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I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
 
I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance... she leaned over and pushed me.
 
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
 
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
 
I always get the feeling that when lesbians are looking at me, they're thinking:THAT is why I'm not a hetrosexual.'
 
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
 
I always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants their coffee black.
 
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
 
I always thought music was more important than sex. Then I thought, "if I don't hear a concert for a year, it doesn't bother me".
 
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
 
I always wanted to be a procrastinator... I just never got around to it.
 
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
 
I always win. Except when I lose, but then it doesn't count!
 
I always win. Except win I lose, but then I just don't count it.
 
I am a deeply superficial person.
 
I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.
 
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
 
I am amazed at radio DJs today. I am firmly convinced that AM stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.
 
I am at one with my duality.
 
I am at two with nature.