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Ladies, when you're climbing the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress!
Language is the dress of thought.
Large dogs make their own gravy. Small dogs are made into gravy.
Last night a hole was blown in the wall of Police Headquarters. Police are looking into it.
Last night I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Last night our high school band played Beethoven. Beethoven lost, 12 to 7.
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"
Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"
Last time I went to the movies, I got thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was the concession prices where outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a barbecue for a long time.
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving. Every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip, but I don't remember what it was.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot