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Realize that no matter what you do, the grocery store check-out line you're in will always take the longest.
 
Recently I performed at an animal rights barbecue.
 
Recovery is a journey, not a destination.
 
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
 
Red meat is not bad for you. The blue-greenish meat, that's really bad for you.
 
Refrain from lamenting over precipitately scattered lacteal fluid.
 
Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.
 
Rehab is for quitters.
 
Reincarnation: Let's keep trying until we get it right.
 
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
 
Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.
 
Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ... And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!
 
Religion easily--easily-- has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man. . .living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
 
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
 
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
 
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
 
Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.
 
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
 
Remember that fairytale about the uncircumcised troll? I think it was called 'Rumpled Foreskin'
 
Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules.