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Universal truth: Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
 
Universal truth: Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
 
Universal truth: Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
 
Universal truth: Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
 
Universal truth: Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
 
Universal truth: The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
 
Universal truth: The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
 
Universal truth: The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
 
Universal truth: There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
 
Universal truth: Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
 
Universal truth: You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
 
Universal truth: You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
 
Universal truth: You never ever run out of salt.
 
Universal truth: You never know where to look when eating a banana.
 
Universal truth: You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
 
Universal truth: You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
 
Universal truth: You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
 
Unix is user friendly - it's just picky about it's friends.
 
UNIX: when you can't afford the very best.
 
Unless I accept my virtues, I will be overwhelmed with my faults.