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Latest One-liners

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The business plan you prepare must be a lie, but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.
May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!
A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me . . . that is why we give you 21 days.
The workbench is always untidier than last time.
That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
Excuses are like bodies, everybody has one!
Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!
In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.
Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.