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Latest One-liners

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Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
 
My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.
 
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
 
Stay in with the outs.
 
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
 
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
 
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
 
If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!
 
I wonder if angels believe in ghosts.
 
Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of the most harm.
 
A disagreeable task is its own reward.
 
There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
 
It is better to be part of the idle rich class than be part of the idle poor class.
 
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a human head!
 
Any issue worth debating is worth avoiding altogether.
 
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
 
The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.
 
Is there life before coffee?
 
In every work of genius we recognize our rejected thoughts.
 
If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.