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Latest One-liners

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Roses are red, bullets are lead, you better love me, or I'll shoot you in the head.
I like to hang out with ugly stupid people... They make me feel smarter and hotter at the same time.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
You can't have 'manslaughter' without 'laughter'.
When I said 'death' before 'dishonor', I meant alphabetically.
The last time someone listened to a Bush, a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years!
Five seconds later, I'm getting the upside of 15kV across the nipples. These ambulance guys sure know how to party.
A man who eats prunes will get a good run for his money.
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift"... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git".
The Greek words recorded in the Gospels when Jesus died, translated in English as "It is finished" were the same words used in bills of sale and meant "paid in full".
Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.
Wit is educated insolence.
Wisdom is a comb given to a man once he is bald.
Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers? Men don't like flowers. I've been wearing a great new scent. It's called New Car Interior.
IRS: Be Audit You Can Be!
You're as innocent as a nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.
You know you have a small apartment when Coco Pops echo.
I'm putting the "Sensual" in "Non-Consensual".
A ladder was stolen from the store. The manager said that further steps will be taken.
So one day as a kid I was at the local Zoo. I was bored and kept pestering my dad to go and play. Eventually he agreed, took me over to the lion enclosure, threw me in and said: "There ya go, play dead..."