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Latest One-liners

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Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him at my age I don't even buy green bananas.
Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment.
You will find that the only thing you can do easily is be wrong, and that's hardly worth the effort.
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
You either have to be first, best, or different.
You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
I'm supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse?
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade.
If you can't read this, thank the teacher's union.
If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!
Well, at least the war on the environment is going well.
The control key on the keyboard does not work.
Stable relationships are for horses.
South Korea's got SeOUL!
Never believe generalizations.
My dog is smarter than your honor student.