Latest One-liners

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

In our family we don't divorce our men, we bury them.

I had a really good childhood up until I was nine. Then a classic case of divorce really affected me.

For some reason, we see divorce as a signal of failure, despite the fact that each of us has a right, and an obligation, to rectify any other mistake we make in life.

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.

Let's say you stuff a cat's tail up his ass until it peeks out of his mouth, and you give the tip of its tail a sound yank. Would the cat turn inside out?

I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?

Even paranoids have enemies.

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.

If I live in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That was if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everyone would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.