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Latest One-liners

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I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils
 
Don't bite the hand that has your paycheck in it.
 
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "I did," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
 
Andrea's Admonition: Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, it isn't and he can.
 
An ounce of rejection is worse than a pound of "sure".
 
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
 
If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
 
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.
 
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
 
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
 
So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
 
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
 
I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.
 
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
 
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
 
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.
 
The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
 
May you never leave your marriage alive.
 
It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.
 
If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.