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Latest One-liners

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I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the tires.
 
Entropy has us outnumbered.
 
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
 
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
 
If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
 
Appearances are not everything, it just looks like they are.
 
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
 
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.
 
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
 
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
 
If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
 
I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.
 
If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.
 
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
 
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.
 
Business truth: The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.
 
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because hey, free dummy.
 
Beware of those wearing suspenders with belts.
 
Business truth: After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.
 
Pills to be taken in twos always come out of the bottle in threes.