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Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
 
My wife could have had any man she pleased...she just couldn't please any of them.
 
Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.
 
To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it.
 
Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
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