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Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.
 
Grandparents: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
 
Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.
 
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
 
Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
 
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
 
I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.
 
I suffer from a sexually transmitted disease...children.
 
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
 
I'm still single because my family-in-law cannot have children.
 
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
 
If we were cockroaches, I'd want to have all 456,938 of your children.
 
If we're all God's children, what makes Jesus so special?
 
If you don't want your children to hear what you're saying, pretend you're speaking directly to them.
 
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "take two aspirin" and "keep away from children"!!!!!
 
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
 
If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks.
 
If you want your children to listen to you, try talking softly to someone else.
 
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
 
Midlife crisis is that moment you realize your children and your clothes are about the same age.
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