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A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
 
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
 
By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
 
Every girl should use what mother nature gives her before father time takes it away.
 
Father talking to his son: "Son, you should never lie. One lie begets another lie, then another lie, and before you know it, you're a lawyer."
 
Hallmark Card: "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
 
He was more tense than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day.
 
How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
 
I just found out that I'm going to be a father...how will I ever tell my wife?
 
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
 
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
 
I'm so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
 
If my hand could get pregnant, today I would be the father and founder of the third global superpower.
 
It is never easy being a mother.
If it were easy, fathers would do it.
 
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
 
My father said there are two kinds of people in the world: givers and takers.
The takers may eat better, but the givers sleep better.
 
My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.
 
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
 
My father was a small claims court jester.
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