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I feel like I've been shot at and missed and shit at and hit !
 
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
 
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
 
I like to hang out with ugly stupid people... They make me feel smarter and hotter at the same time.
 
I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.
 
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
 
I stayed in a foreign hotel that had no bathroom...it was uncanny.
 
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
 
I think pot should be legal, I do. I also think if your cousin is really hot, you should be able to fuck one time.
 
I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed....
 
I'm still a hot babe, but now it it comes in flashes.
 
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
 
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
 
If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.
 
If Joe was such a hot-shot carpenter, why couldn't he whip up a groovy little cradle for Baby J.?
 
If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.
 
In hotel rooms I worry. I think, I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
 
Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
 
It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.
 
It's always easier to see the great personalities in hot chicks.
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