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It's amazing how your kids stop coming back home once they get their own washer and dryer.
 
Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.
 
Kids in the backseat cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat cause kids.
 
Learn from my parent's mistake. Don't have kids!
 
Mom & Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three.
 
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
 
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
 
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
 
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
 
So you're kids no honor student. Society needs laborers.
 
The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes in it.
 
The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.
 
There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or tell your kids not to do it.
 
This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: "Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen."
 
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
 
Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
 
With the divorce, I got custody of the kids and she got custody of the money.
 
Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving and I call those people 'the cops,' But you know, sometimes you've just got no choice, those kids gotta get to school.
 
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
 
You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on lipstick and your son starts to wipe it off!
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