Search One-liners

I've cured myself of smoking in bed. I bought a water bed and filled it with gasoline.

If I woke up today feeling like I did every day when I drank, I'd take myself to the emergency room.

Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.

My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.

Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste.

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.

When did I realize I was God? Well I was praying, and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

[Referring to a glass of water]: I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!