Search One-liners

I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.

I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example.

I drink to make other people interesting.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I have no problem keeping secrets. It's the people I tell...

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

I know you miss the Wainwrights, Bobby, but they were weak and stupid people - and that's why we have wolves and other large predators.

I like to hang out with ugly stupid people... They make me feel smarter and hotter at the same time.