Search One-liners

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

I myself have never been able to find out what precisely feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I talk to myself a lot. it bothers people, though, because I use a megaphone.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said,Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.

I was driving the other day, and I thought about how your mileage is better the slower you drive. And I thought that if I went every where at around 5 mph, I may never have to buy gas again. And then it occured to me that I could cover the world at 0 without ever wasting a drop. That was around the same time she gave me the 'I think we should see other people' speech.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

I'm not antisocial. I just don't like people.