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I just want to put onions in your pants and cry myself to sleep.
 
I think I might be getting over my insomnia. The other day my foot fell asleep.
 
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 
I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
 
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
 
I wasn't sleeping. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
 
I'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four.
 
If moths are attracted to bright lights, how come they sleep during the day?
 
If you do something you'll regret in the morning, SLEEP TILL NOON!
 
If you go to sleep with a itching ass you will wake up with a stinking finger ...
 
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen!
 
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
 
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
 
My bed is broken, can I sleep in yours?
 
My father said there are two kinds of people in the world: givers and takers.
The takers may eat better, but the givers sleep better.
 
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
 
My parents put us to sleep by tossing us in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.
 
My wife's version of money laundering is cleaning out my pockets every night while I am asleep.
 
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
 
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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