Search One-liners

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. I pushed 1 and he just stood there. I said, "Hi, where are you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in. We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert, then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?" The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes" The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon, and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."

I have changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.

I have not failed. I have just found ten thousand ways that will not work.

I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.

I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.

I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.