Search One-liners

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

Oxymoron: Microsoft Works.

Percussive Maintenance - this is the fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.

Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The balls are the posse of the penis. While the penis is inside you, making you happy, the balls are outside working security. It's a velvet rope situation. No one can get in now. Finger, not tonight. There's another club around the block, it's a little dirty, but I think you can squeeze in.