Now 7397 one-liners online!

TOP 100 funniest one-liners on the internet!

61
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
62
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
63
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
64
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
65
When in doubt, mumble.
66
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
67
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
68
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
69
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
70
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
71
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
72
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
73
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
74
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
75
I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
76
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
77
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
78
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
79
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
80
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.